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HOW DOES STUBBORNNESS AFFECT NEW RELATIONSHIPS IN MIDLIFE

Tue, 16 Apr 2024 11:14:21 GMT

Midlife is a significant phase in a person's journey.

It's often regarded as a period of self-reflection and transformation and can also bring about its fair share of challenges, especially when it comes to relationships. One such challenge that many individuals face is stubbornness, where a person has a tendency to resist change or compromise.

To a certain level, it can be an admirable trait. However, an excess of it can significantly hinder the search for a new partner.

Stubbornness can have profound consequences on relationships, personal growth, and overall well-being. Stubbornness, especially in midlife, can make finding a new partner or navigating a new relationship/situationship difficult.

Why do people become so resistant to change later in life?

Reasons:

1. Identity reassessment: Midlife often triggers an identity re-evaluation, creating a high desire to assert one's beliefs and values. This comes out as stubbornness when individuals resist adapting to new ideas or perspectives.

2. Fear of change: Fear of change, which is rooted in concerns about failure or the unknown, can further amplify stubborn behavior. As people approach middle age, they may become more risk-averse. They cling to familiar routines and resist exploring new possibilities. That's why couples who move in together at this stage find adjusting to each other's habits very hard.

3. Accumulated experience: Midlife individuals have accumulated decades of experience, which can lead to a sense of expertise and "I am right" myopic perspective. This accumulated knowledge can sometimes make them resistant to alternative viewpoints.

4. Inability to compromise: Stubborn individuals may have a fixed mindset and be less open to compromise or negotiation. They believe they have compromised enough in their previous marriage/relationships. But I want you to remember that compromise is fundamental to a relationship. There are bound to be disagreements and conflicts in a relationship. Compromise helps reach a middle ground. It is a skill that can be learned.

5. Difficulty letting go of past baggage: Unresolved past experiences, trauma, and emotions can contribute to stubbornness. Midlife often brings unaddressed issues to the surface. Little things trigger them, which leads to a rigid stance as a defense mechanism. This can make it challenging to move forward and fully invest in a new relationship.

6. Trust issues: Being stubborn can sometimes be a defense mechanism against vulnerability. This may make it harder to trust a new partner and be open and honest about feelings and insecurities.

7. Unrealistic expectations: Stubborn individuals may have rigid expectations about what a relationship should be like. Finding a partner who meets all these criteria can be difficult if these expectations are too inflexible or unrealistic.

8. External pressure: Societal expectations, cultural norms, and pressure to conform to certain roles and behaviors might lead individuals to resist change to assert their independence.

Consequences -

Missed Opportunities: A fixed mindset can lead to missed opportunities to meet new people and significantly limits the pool of potential matches. Life gives them another chance to build a new loving relationship, but due to their stubbornness, they miss out on the potential for companionship, love, and happiness that can come from being in a fulfilling relationship.
Communication Difficulties: Stubbornness can block effective communication when someone is unwilling to consider alternative viewpoints or insists on having things their way.
Repeat Unsuccessful Patterns: When someone refuses to acknowledge past relationship mistakes or patterns, they may find themselves stuck in a cycle of unsuccessful partnerships. And that's how they are not able to learn and grow from their experiences. It prevents them from embracing change or pursuing potential love interests.
Emotional Isolation: When an individual doesn't want to adapt, and they struggle to connect with those with different opinions or lifestyles, they may push potential partners away, which leads to isolation and a lack of emotional support.
Stress and Frustration: The process of finding a partner can be stressful, and being stubborn can add an extra layer of stress. When they face resistance from potential partners, and they constantly insist on their own way, they feel frustrated and emotionally strained.
Kills Intimacy: If the interactions are one sided and one person is not willing to budge, it can have a profound effect on developing intimacy.

Navigating Stubbornness in Midlife:

1. Self-awareness: Recognizing one's tendencies toward stubbornness is the first step. Self-reflection and acknowledging the motives behind this behavior can provide insight into whether it is a defense mechanism or a genuine conviction.

2. Open-Mindedness: Practicing open-mindedness involves actively seeking out alternative viewpoints and information. Engaging in discussions with your potential partner with different opinions can broaden perspectives and challenge fixed beliefs.

3. Flexibility: Cultivating flexibility doesn't mean abandoning principles but adapting to new circumstances and learning from experiences. This mindset can encourage personal growth and resilience.

4. Seek Professional Guidance: Therapists or coaches can provide tools to navigate midlife transitions, address fears of change, and encourage constructive self-discovery.

5. Mindfulness and Stress Reduction: Mindfulness practices help manage stress and promote emotional regulation, reducing the inclination towards stubborn behavior as a coping mechanism.

6. Question yourself – Be curious and ask yourself what is the reason that you don't want to let go of the belief that you are right all the time. What is going to happen if you admit your wrongness? What is the cost and the payoff for being right and sticking to your ways?

7. Goal Re-evaluation: Reassessing your relationship goals and expectations lets you adjust to the current situation.

8. Make a list of your needs and wants: Evaluate your top most needs and wants so that you can communicate them to your partner. Smaller needs would require flexibility. Keep in mind, not every need can be fulfilled by your partner.

Not all stubbornness is inherently negative, and there are situations where standing firm on certain values or beliefs can be important. For instance, Stubborn people don't easily give up or give in to difficult situations or even their ambitions. They can use their stubbornness to persevere in all areas of life. For example, if they go through a hard breakup or bereavement, research shows that stubbornness may keep them going.

However, if stubbornness becomes an obstacle to forming and maintaining healthy relationships, in that case, it may be beneficial to self-reflect, adapt, and potentially work on being more open and flexible in certain areas.

Many stubborn people call themselves –"creatures of comfort." But that doesn't help one's growth if they don't get out of their comfort zone and experience something new or widen their perspective.

Seek professional help to overcome the challenges associated with stubbornness when you are looking to find a partner in your midlife.

Midlife individuals can strike a balance between staying determined and flexible. In this way, stubbornness is channeled constructively, enhances personal development, improves relationship dynamics, and enriches the quality of life during this critical phase of life.

SEX IS NOT THE NO.1 ROMANTIC GESTURE FOR MEN -A survey of 16 heterosexual men (aged 49-64) shared their honest answers about what makes them feel romantic

Thu, 09 Nov 2023 11:53:38 GMT

"Romance is the essence of life. It's the water that keeps the flower of your marriage alive." - Unknown

Romance is a universal experience. It is a complex and multifaceted concept that plays a crucial role in human relationships. It enriches our lives with feelings of affection, intimacy, and connection. It's expressed differently in different cultures depending on their belief system, the idea of love, and how they feel, think and act in their romantic relationships.

Romance has been a subject of fascination for centuries, and it continues to captivate both men and women alike.

Romance generally involves a mix of emotional and sexual desire with emotional highs, excitement, passion, and joy. It is often get replaced by passionate love and sexual attraction as synonyms. They all have some commonalities and yet are different.

Romance is the fanciful, expressive, pleasurable feeling from an emotional attraction towards another person. There is often more emphasis on emotions than on physical pleasure.

However, romance is usually associated with women's desires and expectations. Romance means differently to men and women. For instance, some women find a surprise dinner or a vacation romantic. For others, a sensual touch is romantic. For some, receiving gifts and flowers is romantic, and for some it's a waste.

What do men find romantic? While there is no one answer to this question, so I explored the multifaceted world of male perspectives on romance.

I did a small survey on men because men usually don't express and talk about romantic gestures. They feel it sounds feminine. I wanted to bring them out of their comfort zone and make them think and talk about it to make women aware of what their partner likes and not go with the popular belief that all they need is sex.

Yes, true, men do equate love with sex, but they are also drawn towards romantic stimuli even though they don't like to admit it openly. Studies have shown that even though men feel loved by sex, they also want to feel connected to their partner. Gestures and actions show them they are cared for, respected, needed, and desired by their significant other.

In my study, some men had to put much thought into it because they let their relationship go on autopilot and never talked about it. Their wives/girlfriends didn't know what their spouse/partner finds romantic until I asked.

Here are romantic gestures that these sweet 16 honest men in mid-life expressed - in their own words:

HOW IMPORTANT IS IT TO SAY “I LOVE YOU” OR WORDS OF AFFIRMATION TO YOUR PARTNER?

Fri, 03 Mar 2023 10:53:47 GMT

How often do you appreciate your partner or say words of affirmation or simple yet powerful words “I love you”?

When you praise your partner, you affirm that you appreciate your partner’s specific behavior. Like, for example, if your partner has spent some extra time improving their dressing, then praise their efforts. Let them know how they look in that outfit. Be specific when you give a compliment. Personalize your words so they feel well-thought-out.

Because for some, words of affirmation mean so much. It shows them that you are noticing them. These loving words make them feel valued, respected and satisfied in a relationship.

Here are some examples but you can always customize them.

“I appreciate it when you…”
“I couldn’t do this…without you.”
“I really love the new outfit. You look hot in it”
“It impressed me when you…”
“Thank you for…”
“You are doing such a great job. I’m really proud of you.”
“Your support means a lot to me.”

But there is a catch to these affirmations to work. Make sure you are authentic when you say it. Your words must not sound like made up. If you are not sincere, then after a while, your partner will easily tell if they are real, or if you are just trying to please them. Also, if you are saying just to please them, you will have always have this inner struggle each time you give them a fake compliment, you will be saying inside, “that’s not true, I don’t think you are xyz!”

So make sure your words are coming from your heart and that shows in your actions as well.

Another important thing to remember is - compliment your partner in front of other people. Tell them what you really appreciate. Tell them how wonderful you think your partner is. When your partner comes to know that you say good things about them to others, that will touch their heart. So, don’t be stingy with your compliments but don’t overdo it either.

So why do we do all this? Why do we have to be so particular about praising, complementing and affirming?

Well, the thing is, humans are neurologically wired to connect with others. We are constantly turning toward others for comfort.

Let me give you an example to explain this. When a child has a bad dream or gets hurt, that child goes to the parents to get comfort, help and affection. Over time, that child learns that the parents are always there in need of help. This gives them a sense of love and support.

But if the child senses that parents are not willing or they are not there to offer support, they may either try to ask for their attention — or withdraw and try to depend only on themselves. Now, if that had happened growing up, that child may have difficulty connecting or will not want to connect with others in adulthood.

That’s why this need to hear words of praise varies from person to person. You will have to find out how important it is for your partner. Your comforting words remind your partner that you are there for them and that they matter to you. Basically, they look for your emotional presence.

The next question is do you say “I love you” to your partner and how often do you say it? Some people have a strong need for verbal affection, they don’t get tired of hearing it and they also say it quite often. But for some it doesn’t come naturally to say it. What do you do then? If your partner has a strong need and you don’t feel comfortable saying it. In that case what you can do is — you can start your conversation with some endearing words, like babe, beau, hun, sweat pea, beautiful, sunshine, I am just giving you some examples…use what you like.

Or what you can do is think about their positive traits that can help you say I love you. I am sure there are many things that you like about your partner that’s why you are with them. When you tell your partner you love them, it nurtures emotional intimacy. It keeps the relationship alive.

And words of affirmation don’t just have to be in the form of compliments — they can also be words of encouragement. Let’s say your partner made an extra effort on a project at work. Offer them some encouraging words. Let them know that you believe in them and you are there to support them.

And the person who is receiving all these appreciation and words of affirmations - let your partner know how their words make you feel. When you do that, it helps create a safe space where both of you will feel comfortable communicating openly with each other. You can say something like, “I love when you tell me what a great job I’m doing,” or you can say “It makes me feel so good to hear you say that.” This way, when they know you love positive words and praise, it will motivate them to continue.

When you speaking and hear positive words more often than negative ones, it activates the motivational centers of the brain to take positive action more often.

MRIs of the brain have shown that a simple affirmation causes the brain to light up the same reward centers that respond to other pleasurable experiences, such as winning a prize or eating delicious food.

That just shows how powerful impact positive and kind words can make.

And how do you ask your partner if words of affirmation are important to you? And if you think when you ask, that may put pressure on your partner. You can say something like -

· “I would love to hear some encouraging words from you when I am dealing with work stress.”

· “I appreciate all the little things you do for me every day. It would be nice if I hear more of your kind words.”

· “I really love hearing when you tell me how proud you are of me and my accomplishments. Those words give me lot of encouragement.”

· “Your “I love you” means the world to me.”

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HAVE YOU EVER CHEATED ON YOUR PARTNER BY HAVING AN AFFAIR? How do you justify it?

Mon, 20 Feb 2023 22:18:40 GMT

Affairs happen everywhere, all the time, in all parts of the world.

There is always a moment when people think if their marriage is enough or if they have been missing something.

What happens then? The brain seeks to fill that missing part in any way it can. Emotional intelligence and maturity take a back seat. You become fragile. And then affairs happen for some of you. Meaning you have an emotional or sexual relationship with someone else while you are still married or in a committed relationship.

In most cases, affairs don't happen one fine day. It is not something that you wake up one day and decide to go with someone else . You are disappointed that there is no connection, but you keep quiet and keep carrying on until you find yourself getting comfort from someone else. That's why it shocks the partner when they find out about you because in their mind, everything was going fine, what happened all of a sudden. They feel betrayed, they wonder if all this time you were lying to them.

The next question is - who tends to cheat more? According to Nicholas Wolfinger, Professor of Family and Consumer studies at the University of Utah, the numbers have stayed pretty consistent over the last two decades, showing that between 20 and 25 percent of married men cheat, and between 10 and 15 percent of married women cheat.

Different people have different reasons for having an affair.

A study by Selterman and colleagues (2019) revealed "eight key reasons: anger, to seek revenge, self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, sexual desire, and situation or circumstance. Rarely did affairs lead to a real relationship. Only one out of 10 of the affairs (11.1 percent) ultimately turned into a full-fledged commitment."

Although people commonly think that sexual variety is the primary reason men cheat.

Whereas, many men express that they feel ignored, neglected, devalued, or taken for granted when their partners get busy with children, household chores and professional responsibilities. In some cases, nagging partners bring dissatisfaction and unhappiness in marriage and open doors for an affair. Depending on the man's needs, it can be emotional or physical.

Universally, men don't usually talk and discuss marital issues with their partners or others. Research by Bob and Susan Berkowitz on men who stopped seeking sex from their partners found that 44% said: "they were furious, felt criticized, and insignificant in their marriage; but would not or could not talk about it with their partners."

M. Gary Neuman found similar results. 48% of the men he interviewed reported emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason for cheating. These men reported feeling unappreciated and wished their partners could recognize when they were trying. But they did not talk to their partners about this.

For women, it was a desire to feel desired, longing for attention and affection, and a need to feel important, to have emotional connection. So to fill that void, they have an affair.

Communicate to your partner what your needs are. Your partner would not know until you tell them no matter how long you have been together for.

For some women, it is an identity crisis . They stay home and feel they don't have any power, or earn less, are not valued, repress anger and avoid conflict to keep the peace. They feel like they are living a restricted and unauthentic life. After a while, they rebel like a teenager in the form of an affair. This self-discovery happens through this 3 ^rd person. So it's more about them and not the marital issues itself.

If you are one of them, what you can do is you can end this affair but keep what you found from this experience that involves growth and transformation and incorporate it into your marriage.

Fairy-tale preconceived notions about love and romance leading to unrealistic expectations from your partner meeting all your needs bring a lot of discontent. You believe your relationship is not making you happy and fulfilling your needs, and the third person is giving you all you think is missing.

The thing is, you cannot expect one person to satisfy every single need of yours, and neither can you. They may fulfill them initially but slowly, the pressure starts to exhaust them. Have friends and family around, and develop some hobbies.

Another common reason for affairs to happen is using the third person to transition out of a bad marriage. The other person becomes a bridge to help cross over while in marriage. "They are on a sinking ship and use it as a life raft because they don't want to just jump into the cold water," says Reilly, Marriage and Family Therapist. And that's one of the reasons these affairs don't last forever. Of course, there are always some exceptions.

Many affairs happen in mid-life irrespective of gender. This is the phase when people question whether they are attractive enough or still desirable. And when they get attention from someone else, it boosts their self-esteem and self-worth. Since their partner in the house may not be expressing attraction, they feel validated, in terms of their looks, desirability and libido from outside attention.

Some people feel they married too early and could not enjoy or experience life. Once they achieve some stability in their lives, they want some thrill and want to experience other people to see if they are missing something in their marriage.

Many people marry for the wrong reasons . Wrong reasons can be any – It can be peer pressure. When you feel all your friends are married, you are the only one left behind and you feel alone. Or you feel pressured by the family and society to get married. Another wrong reason would be when people marry to forget or get over their past love but cannot.

In some cultures and areas of the world, arranged marriages are still popular where families arrange a potential partner. Many times, couples in this marriage find very little in common. Some are not able to connect on an emotional and sexual level. What happens then is, when they meet someone on the way with who they feel better connected than their current spouse, they lean toward that person and the last thing they know, they end up having an affair.

Some say that they drifted apart and are not in love anymore. People keep changing and things (goals, interests, etc) that were once important are not anymore.

Intimacy (emotional, physical, sexual, recreational, spiritual . . . ) is an essential ingredient for a deep connection in a relationship. When that connection fades, you start withdrawing and become more vulnerable to finding that with someone else. And if you feel that you found it in the 3rd person, it makes you think and justify how this is meant to be.

Social media gives you opportunities to reconnect with exes or people you once knew. You are curious to know what they are up to or if they ever get married and if they did, are they happy. How do they look like now? These curiosities and re-connection turn into an affair in no time. And we hear – it just happened.

And the stories you tell yourselves when you are tempted to talk to a new person or reach out to your ex, "Oh! it's harmless". A very common justification is that you get drawn to another person because of similar interests or ways of thinking.

Sometimes provocation by family and friends adds fuel to the already existing disappointments. I am sure you must have heard this before, "how can you tolerate that, I wouldn't." So, you get all fired up and say, “yes, how can I? I cannot take this anymore. This is enough.” It is possible that they may not be a fan of your partner. Or they may be projecting their own feelings, struggles, flaws etc onto you expressing their concern for you. Or, like they say - misery loves company or maybe they want to live through you. Their intention maybe good but they don't realize they are doing more harm than help. By provoking, they are solidifying your reasons and the justification for the presence of the 3 ^rd person. The thing is, everyone's level of patience, needs and wants are different. If any of your family members or a friend has a particular need, they expect you to have the same level and feel the same way as they do.

So as a family member or a friend, direct them to the right path by being there for them. Listen to them compassionately what they are going through. Validate their feelings but not their behavior or action.

Overall, I would say the reasons, to some degree, are the same regardless of gender.

The next question people are curious about is - who tends to cheat more? People of all orientation cheats but in heterosexual couples, the general impression is that men cheat more. And that is correct. Research from the past two decades shows the same results: men cheat more than women. Because to have an affair is like an easy escape than you know to deal with your challenges, and dissatisfaction with your current partner.

Psychotherapist Esther Perel calls it a Streetlight effect: "A drunk man searches for his missing keys, not where he dropped them but where the light is. Human beings tend to look for the truth in the places where it is easiest to search rather than where it's likely to be."

Whatever the reason for having an affair, it is never easier to cheat as it's not easy to keep a secret because to keep that secret, you are lying to your partner, children, parents, siblings, friends, at work, basically you are lying to everyone, including yourself at every step of the way.

Take a moment and ask yourself a few questions:

What early life experiences with my parents, siblings, and other past relationships am I bringing into my relationship today?

What am I doing to ease the difficulties in my relationship?

Am I reaching out to another person intending to receive something, let's say, for instance, some form of sweet talk or affirmation? If Yes, did I express to my partner that affirmations are one of my needs and sweet talk makes me happy?

The solution to most of the issues is - COMMUNICATE.

I have heard this numerous times, "my partner should know, why do I have to tell them?" DO NOT expect your partner to know just because you have been together for a long time. And if you are not together for a long time, you have all the more reason to tell so that you can nip the issue/concern in the bud. Tell your partner how you feel, what is important to you, and why. If there are any issues, they need to be addressed and worked on together.

Some of you say that your partner doesn't listen to you. My question back to you - how did you express it? Did you request it and talk with respect and love, or did you complain, criticize, or compare them with others? You cannot expect something productive to come out of such an unhealthy exchange. Change the words, and watch your tone. Simple as that. When reversed, you would not like it either if your partner blamed, criticized, and compared you with others. Improve your communication skills. You will only gain.

I see it from both the partner's perspectives. Both of you are accountable for creating that space for the third person to come between you. Like it is said, it takes two to tango.

An affair is a wake-up call for many. Some choose to end, and some recommit. Some couples rise above an affair. I have seen it happen in so many cases. They come through stronger and more refined. There is always hope and strength, even when you think it's done and nothing can fix it.

Whereas some may find that the damage is too great and decide to end the relationship. Ultimately, it depends on the couple and their individual circumstances.

Seek professional help if you find it challenging to manage yourself. You can get tailor-made advice for your situation. There is so much that goes on in driving a relationship.

I encourage you to take a closer look at your disappointments and conflicts. It is a good opportunity for you and your relationship to improve and grow. That may also give you some answers if you need to work on your unresolved childhood or early relationship conflicts.

Eventually, whatever you decide to do, remember you will have conflicts, disagreements, and disappointments in different areas with whoever you are – your current partner or your future lover. It requires hard work and effort to keep your relationship alive and healthy. All relationships require maintenance work, just like your car or a house.

Side Note: Your relationship gets in trouble because you water it knowingly or unknowingly for various reasons. It all starts with you. You can make a difference. You cannot change the past. But you can choose what you think, feel and do in your present. Remember, you cannot change any situation if you do not acknowledge your part.

I know, society is too quick to judge and declare its verdict. The problem with that is, the same society that measures your success by how you manage your relationships never taught you how to do that. Your only learning about relationships was by watching your parents. And they didn’t have a manual either. You were not taught in school how to understand and manage your emotions, you were not taught communications skills, or what to expect in a relationship or how to behave in one. You were not taught what to do when conflict arises. So you get into relationships with vague skills, goals, and expectations.

So teach your children because they are also learning by watching you . . . how you deal with the arguments . . . how much responsibility do you take for your actions . . . your style of communication.

Teach them to have a better relationship with themselves first. If they don’t have a healthy, loving and trusting relationship with themselves, how can they give it to someone else and how can they expect it to receive it back? Teach them the skills.

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IS YOUR FIRST IMPRESSION THE LAST IMPRESSION ON YOUR FIRST DATE?

183:839852828 (Sonali Kukreja) — Thu, 24 Nov 2022 11:13:08 GMT

You meet someone on a dating app. You exchange messages and then phone numbers. And if you like who you are talking to or feel some spark and connection, you finally decide to go on your first date with this person.

You do everything what Google tells you to do on your first date.

You are on time.
You are clean and well-dressed.
You are polite to your date and others.
You are smiling and laughing.
You are not a sloppy eater.
You are confident and fun.
You love the conversations.

You enjoy each other’s company. The date goes fantastic.

After coming back home, you review and rewind your entire date in your head. You then assess it. Some of you dissect every part of it. You may feel that this or that was not right, some things didn’t go the way you wanted them to, or that person behaved differently in person than they did on the phone.

Do you base your decision to meet this person again or not on your first impression? Do you think the first impression is the final impression?

Keep in mind that if you had a fabulous time on your first date and the things that you felt didn’t go the way you wanted them to can be due to different reasons…maybe the person was nervous or under pressure. Everyone wants to put their best foot forward but doing so messes up sometimes.

You have heard a saying, “First impression is the last impression.”

At the same time, you may have also heard, “Don’t judge the book by its cover.”

We don’t know in what context they were said. These sayings cannot be applied in every situation.

Humans tend to make instant judgments as soon as they see someone. That’s how the brain is wired. Are these judgements true? Not always. Are they reliable? Not always.

Remind yourself to take yourself out of that stereotyped thinking.

With the easy use of dating sites, plenty of profiles to browse through, and some reward here and there in the form of a mutual match or a message may lead you to reject and frequently disregard a person too soon.

FoMO, in other words, fear of missing out, makes you reject someone too quickly. It prevents you from being present and focusing your attention on one person. Do not jump too soon to dismiss someone just because you know you have a lot to choose from.

Give it an another chance to see whether you are a good match or not or if you are compatible or not. Dating is an exploratory interaction, it’s not a test. It requires a lot of patience. Go for 2-3 dates more to find out unless………..unless you see any of your deal-breakers or red flags on your first date.

If you would like to see that person again, communicate to that person how you feel. If you noticed red flags and that it was not a suitable match for you, then communicate that as well instead of just going silent and disappearing. Trust me, you will be highly appreciated. Every time my clients, friends and I did it, the other person appreciated it. Disappearing without communicating is one of the reasons people get frustrated and disappointed with online dating apps.

These sites are here to help you find love. Ask yourself and answer honestly about your intention first. Are you here to find love, or are you afraid of commitment, or are you here just for fun?

Staying true to your intention will help you move forward.

HOW TO MAKE YOUR KIDS ADJUST TO YOUR NEW ROMANTIC PARTNER IN MIDLIFE

183:839852828 (Sonali Kukreja) — Tue, 03 Aug 2021 19:40:19 GMT

I am talking about people in their midlife because that's what I am working with most. Finding new love when you are older profoundly changes your life, in a good way, I would say. And when you add that person to your family, it can shake up all the other relationships. They have to make room for your new significant other. That is one of the biggest challenges I see people face as a couple to deal with their own and the new partner's kids. Because I tell you, kids can be very tough on you both.

Most kids struggle to welcome the new relationship, especially if you have been single for a long time. Because they get used to you being always there for them, always be there on demand that they can't handle your unavailability at times…no matter how old they are. Do not assume just because they are adults; they will accept your new partnership right away.

And in some cases, kids insist you get out there in the dating world. Now, that would make it easy for you, right? Yes, that makes it one challenge less.

4 POINTERS FOR THE "GHOSTEES" in the dating world

183:839852828 (Sonali Kukreja) — Sat, 19 Jun 2021 13:17:00 GMT

I talked about rejection in dating. I talked about the “ghosters” I had to talk about “ghostees” too. They are hurt and going through an emotional roller coaster ride.

I have 4 pointers for all you ghostees.

1. Humans are instinctively social, and they don’t want to disrupt their social relationship of any sort so they use avoidance strategy. People just don’t want to confront . . . regardless of age or race . . . men, women . . . from a 20-year-old to 60-year-old plus. I haven’t dealt with 70 plus yet. Ghosters don’t know you so they don’t know how you are going to react. Are you going to get mad at them, argue with them, try to convince them how good you would be together in case you really liked them?

2. Remember, you are worthy and valuable. If someone ghosted you, you need to accept that, that person was not for you. They saved you time so that you can focus on yourself. That will put you on a self-discovery path. It is not a waste of time at all. You will learn and use that knowledge later. Do things for yourself. Get involved in things that you have always wanted to do. I assure you, that will make you feel so much better about yourself.

3. If you really really liked the person and you can’t get over the fact that the person ended it, and you are confused why the person suddenly stopped talking despite everything going fabulous thus far which as a result makes some of you curious and you are tempted to ask what happened there. Well, if asking will give you some peace, what the heck, ask. But be prepared if that person doesn’t respond and if that person does respond to you then it is not what you want to hear.

4. Everyone has to watch out for themselves. If you feel that the person you met or have been talking to doesn’t meet your needs and criteria, you will step away too, right. You will either keep quiet (ghost) or if you are kind enough, you will let that person know you are not a right fit.

End of story.

I will share an interesting study (Dr. Freedman, 2018) with you that showed “Individuals who have stronger destiny beliefs are more likely to ghost. These people have a fixed mindset and believe relationships are either going to work out or not.” In other words, they have a black or white thinking. Whereas those who have a growth mindset believe relationships take work to grow.

Not too many studies have been done on it since it is a fairly new concept or maybe it is becoming more obvious and noticeable now because of social media, technology and online dating.

Whatever the case is, ghosting is common, and it can happen to anyone who is in the dating world.

If you are struggling, I totally get it. And I can help. You are worth it. Because you my dear deserve LOVE.

Your Coach,

Sonali

DO YOU FEAR REJECTION IN DATING? 6 Ways to Overcome Rejection and Gain Confidence

183:839852828 (Sonali Kukreja) — Tue, 15 Jun 2021 17:47:55 GMT

Rejection is one of the common factors that stops people from reaching out to others. Do you question yourself, what if someone doesn’t like me, then what?

Many won’t admit that they fear rejection. But they do. Who likes being rejected? No one.But it happens to all of us. Having this feeling of being rejected and feeling sad and hurt is normal.

In one study, MRI scans of 40 subjects showed that physical pain and social rejection stimulate the same areas of the brain. “Dating rejection is very personal and painful. It brings our innate insecurities up on surface, according to Dr. Sanam Hafeez, PsyD, a neuro-psychologist and faculty member at Columbia University in New York City.”

And if you are an audio-video person, you can listen and watch it here;

M & M (MONEY & MARRIAGE) IS NOT ALWAYS SWEET. ASK BILL GATES AND JEFF BEZOS

183:839852828 (Sonali Kukreja) — Sat, 08 May 2021 10:39:19 GMT

The divorce of Bill and Melinda Gates is giving comedians a lot of content. I came across this joke circling around in social media that goes like this:

“Brad Pitt, one of the sexiest men in the world couldn’t keep his wife happy.
Jeff Bezos, one of the richest men in the world couldn’t keep his wife happy.
One of the most successful men in the world, Bill Gates could not keep his wife happy.
We can only try.”

People stay in a relationship or marriage for various reasons. But what is it that makes people feel fulfilled?

Is it the looks? Physical appearance changes as you age. Some of us do give it an importance when we are looking for a potential mate. There is nothing wrong in it. But can it sustain a relationship? No, it cannot.

AM I LIVING IN THE PRESENT?

183:839852828 (Sonali Kukreja) — Thu, 15 Apr 2021 10:56:22 GMT

Strategies you can use to live in the moment.

We are so distracted by our thoughts and less aware of what’s going on around us. But we can change that. . . with practice . . . any change happens with practice.

I was in the grocery store the other day waiting in a long check out line. A gentleman standing behind started talking to me…trying to have a conversation. I answered him politely but that was it. I didn’t carry on the talk. I was in my own happy little world thinking about my to-do-list, feeling great how productive my day was going thus far and what else I need to do rest of my day. I did not care what he said. He was being nice. In fact paid a compliment. That’s how he started the conversation. And he was like you know visually very pleasing. Later on when I was driving back home, I realized what did I just do there. I could have talked to him but it was too late, I missed the opportunity.

CONTINUE READING

DO YOU KNOW WHY WOMEN ARE HAPPIER THAN MEN AFTER DIVORCE

183:839852828 (Sonali Kukreja) — Fri, 19 Mar 2021 15:37:04 GMT

Divorce is a forbidden word. But the stigma attached to it is slowly changing. We hear this all the time that previously, people stayed married forever and now lack of patience, people are taking an easy route. Any little thing that goes wrong, one of them walks out. But what we don’t know is how many of them suffered all their lives and made peace with it to fit in the traditional role in marriage.

There are a lot of factors that the divorce rate was so low then. For example, stigma it carried, religious beliefs, women’s financial dependence on their husbands, women are more aware now of their worthiness and unrealistic expectations. And like everything else, the liberal views/lifestyle has a downside also, for instance, couples are less committed now, one of the partners or both will have a relationship outside marriage if they can’t handle the conflict, the efforts are less to work on a relationship etc.

For some it is nasty, for some it is mutual and amicable. It is not easy to go through it. It is a painful roller coaster ride.

Overall, people rarely have regrets about their decision of ending their marriage.

Men and women tend to process their sense of loss in different ways.

For women, the decision is not impulsive and made overnight. The dissatisfaction in marriage for them has been going on for a very long time and when they reach the pinnacle of it, they break and that is when they decide to end it. During this period, they go through grief and make plans how to build strength to prepare themselves for the new life. Whereas men feel betrayed and bitter because they live under this impression that all is fine.

Studies show that more than men, women file for divorce. I found one interesting British study where researchers surveyed 10,000 people in the U.K. between the ages of sixteen and sixty. “The participants were asked to rate their happiness before and after their divorce. During a 20-year period, researchers found that women were happier and more satisfied with their lives after divorce. While men also felt happier following divorce, the increase was much less marked than for women.”

In my own personal and coaching experience, I have summarized so far these 8 reasons that divorce played for the better in women's lives.

8 REASONS WHY WOMEN ARE HAPPIER AFTER DIVORCE

1. Women feel stronger. So, coming through a divorce seems to have the effect of making women feel stronger, more alive, and more authentically themselves. Because now they are fixing all kinds of problems that were taken care of by the spouse earlier and that is empowering for them. They take the challenge of this new role which makes them feel good about themselves and increases their self-esteem and confidence.

2. They can have more life experiences than before as they feel liberated. Despite the financial struggles, women are better at persevering. They take care of their children as well as themselves mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically. They feel they went through so much pain, they open themselves to new and different experiences to enhance their lives.

They beat their loneliness and open themselves to new possibilities, get involved in various activities maybe the ones they have put on the back burner, say for example, they wanted to join that dance class etc.

3. Women get better at managing their finances. Many, even on a lower income, divorced women make use of this opportunity to get better at managing their finances. They build wealth by making smart use of their resources starting over fresh and create their own financial plan.

4. They can pursue their professional ambition. You must have heard the common saying, “there is a woman behind every man’s success”. I ask, how about a woman’s success? Well, same applies to her as well. It depends how much her partner is cooperative. But the reality is, usually the husband’s work takes precedence, and the wife has to sacrifice her work for household and family responsibilities. This gives rise to the next question: why do men dominate the world of fashion designers, culinary chefs, art or any other skill which were considered “womanly”? It becomes a big news in the media when a woman achieves a top position.

According to the Wall Street Journal (2015), worries about balancing work and family life ranked among the biggest deterrents for women. “There’s no such thing as work-life balance. There’s only life,” says veteran Microsoft Corp. executive Julie Larson-Green, who oversees hundreds of employees and leads design and user experience for Office365 and Bing, among others. Men are fine as long as their wives fit in their preferred lifestyle and daily routine.

One Swedish study (2019) found that even in Sweden, often considered one of the most egalitarian countries in the world, a major promotion increased the rate of divorce for married women — but not for men. And a woman who was appointed CEO was more than twice as likely to get divorced than a man who rose to the same position.

Charlotte Ljung, 39, a CEO within a luxury bed and furniture group jokes, “the better you do at work, the more likely you are going to get a divorce.”

The more high-achieving, professional divorced women I talk to, the more I’m hearing the same things over and over again.

I feel like interviewing our Vice-President, Kamala Harris and her husband, how they are managing with her being holding a high responsibility office. Are husbands of high-profile women are really evolved to support them all the way through or are they just fulfilling their responsibilities because that’s what they are supposed to? That’s the question I have.

5. Women get an opportunity to work on themselves. Women look within what went wrong and work on themselves trying to get better for their next relationship. Some take more time than the others to heal. This process lets them discover so much about themselves. And they don’t hesitate to take a professional help unlike men.

So, don’t go for the first guy that gives you attention. If it works, good for you. But most of the time it doesn’t. You need time to discover yourself what you want in life and in your future relationship. Explore.

6. They reclaim their lost identity or find one if it was non-existent in marriage. Most of them reinvent themselves. Usually, women more than men lose themselves in a marriage whether it’s expected of them or not. And over time they lose their authenticity.

7. Women are better equipped at adaptability and coping mechanisms to stressful events than men. It is evident from the fact that women outlive men. You have noticed that men generally cannot survive long enough after the death of their wife.

If you ask men how they cope with their divorce. And the common answer would be that they dated a lot of women. Some didn’t even wait for it to finalize.

Men don’t give themselves time to grieve. Men bottle in their emotions. Our society doesn’t allow a man to express his emotional pain because if they do they are considered weak.

The DNA that they carry from caveman era, makes them depressed that they could not keep their woman happy because they are supposed to be providers and protectors.

Men do better when they have women by their side. That gives them motivation to live for a purpose.

They don’t even reach out for help. That delays their healing which is very important to move on. In cultures like India, as soon as a man gets divorced or widowed, his family will immediately find a bride for him. They don’t understand how digressing it is for one’s self-progression. They think all will be fine once you get married.

Therefore, be careful with men who are in the process or newly divorced. They are not sorted out unless you are the type of a woman who thinks and wants to fix men.

8. They have to take less stress on household division of work. In one area, change has been minimal — the traditional views about who does what at home even though young people today have become much more open-minded about gender roles and their attitudes about pronouns, politics and sports, New York Times (2020).”

One survey (2019) found that among opposite-sex couples, ages 18 to 34, young men do not indulge in more housework than older men.

I am not advocating divorce. But in some instances, it is better to go that route. But don’t rush into either. Try everything you can to fix it. Many times, society or what others are going to think make you stay in an unfulfilling marriage and suffer. I know this is a man’s world but just because you are a woman doesn’t give anyone a right to take away your happiness from you.

Awaken yourself. According to Gita, the Hindu philosophy of being, we go through different stages of awakening — Despair, possibility, beginning of awakening, faith, that leads to the deeper wisdom. During this transition, our understanding to look at our lives change.

You can do this. Tap into your inner power and strength. Life is precious. You deserve to live a healthy and fulfilling life.

And if you need any assistance, I am here to help and support.

Your coach, Sonali XO

LOVE SCAMS - THE ULTIMATE LOVE BETRAYAL: Conversation between a former Special Agent and a Relationship Coach to guide men and women on money scams, when dating.

183:839852828 (Sonali Kukreja) — Thu, 25 Feb 2021 01:26:30 GMT

We all have a need to be loved. It is a beautiful and profound emotion. Being in a loving relationship can give you a sense of well-being and purpose.

Many are still looking for that meaningful relationship. Remember meeting someone at the grocery store or getting connected to someone at some conference or a meeting or getting some sparks flying talking to someone at an airport that you end up exchanging numbers. But during these pandemic times, it has become a challenge. We have masks on our faces and trying to keep a distance. Social interactions have plummeted.

So to help people find love, a lot of online dating sites are becoming popular especially because of fear of COVID-19 we are not able to fully be out there physically to meet a potential love interest. And we have to say, quite a few are finding love on these dating sites. But like anything else, people find ways to abuse it.

MY CHILD IS A BI (BISEXUAL) AND I WANT TO CRY

183:839852828 (Sonali Kukreja) — Mon, 15 Feb 2021 10:29:04 GMT

Challenges parents face and an Ultimate Path to accept your Bisexual child.

Understanding Bisexuality is a complex, and historically overlooked topic. It is not a label. It is an identity.

They don’t fall in love with a gender; they fall in love with a person.

A mother came to me to talk about her son’s sexual orientation. She is trying to make peace, but her husband wants to disown him. We don’t even know whether the son is a homosexual or a bisexual yet. Did he just discover that he likes men because previously he dated and had a serious relationship with a woman? Not sure. Probably because “he was wired that he was supposed to like people of the opposite sex”? We have to work on that and find out.

20 EFFECTIVE WAYS TO PUT EFFORT IN A RELATIONSHIP

183:839852828 (Sonali Kukreja) — Sat, 06 Feb 2021 16:27:30 GMT

I have a question for you - how committed are you in your relationship/marriage to put in your energy and efforts to make it long lasting?

Or do you think it will just ride on its own? When you meet someone new, you give all your attention and make efforts to impress your love interest but what happens over time? You slow down and take it easy. Do you put gas in the car only a few times and expect the car to run forever? And to maintain your car to run smoothly and last longer, you do constant checkups, clean, do oil change, etc. Correct?

Similarly, if you want your relationship to thrive and flourish, you will have to work at it constantly or else, it will slowly digress. And I don’t think you would want that. Don’t get too much into your comfort zone despite the length of your relationship.

DO YOU THINK TOGETHER AS A TEAM TO RESOLVE CONFLICTS?

183:839852828 (Sonali Kukreja) — Wed, 13 Jan 2021 00:54:12 GMT

We hear people saying this all the time, “ it’s boring to be the exact same”, or “I don’t want a clone of myself”. And so, we look for some different things in a potential partner and of course some similarities. But over time, what happens is, those differences that were thought to be exciting start to bring conflicts in a relationship.

Well, I always say there is a way to get around if we really want to and not give up too quickly. And when you do, you come out stronger and ready to take on more challenges as they will keep cropping up. You are two individuals; you will have some disagreements and conflicts . . . some petty and some big.

If you are butting heads on any issue, the first obvious thing is to express it to address it.

Don’t let your pride come in and try to prove you are right and your partner is wrong. Each of you is thinking you are right but it doesn’t mean that’s the truth. It sounds like a broken record but I can't help repeating this again and again that both people are responsible for any conflict and not just one. If you are willing to acknowledge your part and know the truth before jumping to any conclusion with your preconceived beliefs, you can solve any problem and overcome any difficulty.

Present your perspectives to each other and tell them why you think the way you think. Instead of trying to convince them that your way is right or tell them what they should do or not do.

It will help in self-awareness and self-development. We think we know everything about ourselves until someone points out something to us and we are like, “really, do I do that”?

Listen to each other carefully and patiently with an open mind and resist interrupting. Take turns to speak. You will then understand what your partner wants and needs in a relationship and where they are coming from. It will help in creating a solution together. Instead of one mind there are two thinking minds working on a problem. Better be good.

Who knows, by the end of it, you may be right, or your partner’s way may be right or even something new comes out of it, but you will not know until you talk and try.

It is not about personal win. It is about what is right for your relationship. Changing one’s thoughts and attitudes help in personal growth rather than staying stubborn and sticking to one's guns. There is always a room for improvement. Is your goal to get better and better every day or you feel you know enough?

Thinking together will also free you from getting intimidated by your partner . . . or a feeling that you are giving up on something that you really want.

And trust me, when you come out with a solution together, it is the feeling of teamwork that will enhance your intimacy and deepens the bond in your relationship. Because you are sharing with truthfulness, honesty, and sincerity. You are letting each other see deep within you that no one else can.

Practicing conflict resolution takes time. It is a big job. Appreciate your partner and yourself for every little effort that has been put in. These little efforts will help you push forward.

If you are not sure or confused how to resolve your disagreements, schedule a session with me. I can assist.

Your Coach,

Sonali XO

5 WAYS TO CONNECT WITH YOUR WORKAHOLIC PARTNER

183:839852828 (Sonali Kukreja) — Tue, 15 Dec 2020 11:49:33 GMT

When your partner is working long hours, it can put tremendous stress on your marriage/relationship. Maintaining a balance becomes a challenge then. It can lead to suspicions, jealousy, feelings of anger and disappointment or a belief that you are not important.

“According to data from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, many jobs demand longer hours. Truck drivers can work up to 60 hours a week. Real-estate brokers and sales agents often work more than 40 hours a week logging many of those hours in the evening and on weekends to accommodate their clients. Many physicians and surgeons put in long hours with irregular shifts and overnight hours. Entrepreneurs and executives can work every waking hour trying to make a business profitable.”

Generally speaking, men more than women place high value on their professional success. But it is getting common lately that women are spending more time on their careers to fulfill their ambition.

Depending on how fulfilled they are in that area influences their personal relationships.

So how do we handle this situation?

You can do a few things to make it better for you and your partner:

Communicate your concerns – Talk to your partner in a compassionate manner and let them know how their long working hours make you feel. Communicate in a non-complaining and non-dramatic way. Because you don’t want to put pressure and guilt on your partner. That will shut them down.

Ask your partner how they feel about their long hours at work and not able to spend quality time with you or what goals do they want to achieve through their work?

If you get your partner’s perspective on how passionate and focused they are on their career, you will see the benefit in that enthusiasm. “When my client loves what they do professionally, that joy and fulfillment ripples through their relationships and results in positive outcomes”, tells Katherine Agostino, an Executive Coach.

These questions and getting your partner’s perspective will help you understand and develop intimacy that can strengthen your emotional connection.

Schedule some time for just you two – It is quality over quantity. Sit together and brainstorm ways to find time when your partner can pay attention only to you, for example, setting day and time to go on a date or going on a day trip somewhere etc. Engage in activities or discussion topics that make you both happy, relaxed, enlighten and laugh.

Don’t lose focus on yourself – Whenever you feel neglected by your partner, you will start to demand more attention which may make you look like a needy or a clingy person. So make sure you do not lose yourself. Don’t think that you need to do everything with a partner and that real happiness comes only from being with them.

Do the things you love to do and never get enough time. Or explore and discover some new hobbies that are enriching to your life. Find your own happiness spots. It is not healthy to depend on your partner all the time. Hang out with your friends and family.

Motivate your partner by appreciation – Compliment your partner every single time they take time out to be with you. By doing this, you will give your partner motivation to want to do this again, because they can see how happy it made you.

Find the Positive - Be positive in your approach, and you will see receiving the same from your partner as a result.

Praise on your partner’s accomplishments. We all love to feel valued and like when our partners are proud of us, don’t we? So, the more there are positive interactions, the more time your partner is going to want to spend with you.

When you look at the bigger picture, you will have a better perspective and you will come up with some amicable solution or find a middle ground which can bring the stress level down in your relationship.

Seek professional help. Schedule a session with me if you feel overwhelmed and not sure where to start from with your workaholic partner. Many times, partners don’t know and realize the enormity of an issue and the effect it has on you and the relationship.

Let me help you connect with your partner.

DO YOU KNOW WHY YOUR MAN HAS DIFFICULTY IN EXPRESSING EMOTIONS?

183:839852828 (Sonali Kukreja) — Sat, 28 Nov 2020 13:00:56 GMT

Do you think that expressing emotions is a “female” thing?

It depends what era you belong to, whether you are a baby boomer or Gen X or Gen Y.

Boys are trained from early on that their success requires them to compete. And to perform and succeed in any aspect of life, it requires them to control and suppress their emotions. Or else they will lose.

A man is taught to fix things. He can’t cry, but it is okay to get mad. They get together with other men for drinks or watch sports, that is how they channel their emotions.

The media also plays a significant role in projecting what a ‘real man’ looks like. If they do not follow a certain criteria, then they are not “man enough”.

They don’t express their inner feelings to their male friends either because they don’t want them to see their issues or appear weak. When they get married, their interaction with other men for the most part is limited to their workplace. They are not good at maintaining friendships once they are married (generally speaking).

In a recent British study, 2.5 million men admitted to having no close friends. What is more, men conceal pain and illness at much higher rates than women. So what, then, is a man to do when he needs honest, unbiased support from someone other than his partner, but is unwilling or unable to try therapy? Some American men have found a powerful solution: men’s support groups. And these groups have been found to make them better partners to the women in their lives.” They expressed that they learned how to take care of themselves instead of becoming emotionally needy.

Men tend to display signs of anger, frustration, depression, aggressive behavior, etc., and in most cases will not seek therapy because they believe it is a sign of weakness. For those males that do find professional help, they usually have a hard time expressing their emotions.

Your personal and relationship well-being is at stake when you internalize your emotions and keep them inside regardless of gender. When you talk and express your feelings, it lets you process your thoughts, bring more clarity, release stress, get support from others.

Bottling up your emotions for a longer period of time, can lead to mind and body imbalance.

In the words of Sigmund Freud “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and come forth later in uglier ways”.

I lived that life for many years and believe me it is not fun at all. One day, I exploded and shook everyone around me. It was a painful experience, but it was necessary. I could only keep so much inside. It took time for me to break that old pattern of not expressing. But I would say, I am very thankful to have met people who supported and encouraged me to express myself fully.

When we talk about men, “Men are not taught how to identify what their emotional needs are, their thoughts and feelings, or to express how someone can help them fulfill these,” explains Dr. Angela Beard, a clinical psychologist at the Veterans Affairs in Dallas, Texas.

"You have a right to express your emotions as every other individual on this planet.

It is time to redefine “manliness”.

I asked some of the mothers across cultures and found that most of them taught their sons that it's okay to show their emotions. They are raising them to express their feelings and encourage them to talk it out.

But few were afraid of what others are going to think, not realizing that it puts a burden on women to be their sole supporters later in their life.

It is time for society to no longer stigmatize males for public displays of emotions. Together, we can redefine the definition of masculinity. It is an act of kindness if we all embrace these changes. Change is happening but it is very slow.

My question is – why doesn’t a mother being a woman, finds her responsibility to let her son know that it is okay to cry… it is okay to express your feelings and that doesn’t make him less masculine. Fathers too ask their sons not to show their emotional weakness in public.

It is time for men to no longer feel stigmatized for being vulnerable to express their emotions in public.

We need to break our old patterns and adopt new. The new pattern is raising our boys past the stereotypical masculine characteristics. "Every time we are frustrated, disgusted, or uncomfortable with a man appearing 'weak' or 'sensitive,' we contribute to the problem," says board-certified clinical psychologist Kristina Hallett, Ph.D.

But to think of it, women to some extent are also responsible for making their men not to express themselves fully. Some men rely on their partner when it comes to expressing their emotions or coping with their problems. That happens a lot when they retire. Their wives are their only source of interaction and they expect them to be like a Secret Service agent, by their side all the time. They become jealous and insecure if their spouse has outside interests. And many women have expressed it really gets exhausting for them over time.

They want them to express only selectively and to the extent they can manage. Some studies show that women judge men as being poorly adjusted if they deviate from the traditional masculine norm by being emotionally expressive and talking about their fears.

It’s catch 22, women are nurturers and supportive, however, overtime they may become resentful for always having to be the “rock”.

For a traditional masculine man to be vulnerable, open up and express themselves, we need to fully accept, value, and respect them.

Vulnerability also helps build trusting, strong and healthy relationship. It improves mental health because it takes away the pressure that you have to do this on your own. The rate of suicide in US is highest in middle-aged men.

Seek Professional Help

Men usually avoid professional help. They believe that no issue is big enough that they cannot manage, and they downplay any signs they experience as a result of any struggle.

Whereas professional help can let them be able to see things clearly as they strip the layers of their mind where they have never been before and that too without any fear of being judged.

It is a courageous step for them to take help for their personal struggles.

Little guidance and direction always help in bringing self-awareness and self-growth no matter what area of life it is.

I am here for you to listen non-judgmentally.

HONEY, LET'S TALK ABOUT MONEY

183:839852828 (Sonali Kukreja) — Wed, 11 Nov 2020 13:30:32 GMT

You love to shop. Whereas your partner operates on a budget.

Or, you want to beautify a part of your house but your partner just spent money on an expensive new golf club set.

One partner may spend on something the other may think frivolous or waste.

I am sure it sounds familiar to some of you.

During some of my interviews with women whether they were married or dating or in committed relationship, the topic of money dominated our discussion. And the concerns they had, brought resentment, conflict, mistrust in a relationship.

I know talking about finances is a sensitive topic to discuss but it is a very important subject to talk about. Do you know that money fight is one of the top 5 leading cause of divorce in America? (Ramsay Solutions, 2017)

“Each partner comes to a relationship with their own history and relationship with money and their own self of feelings connected to money.” (Gottmans,2018)

What meaning do you attach to money?

When you are dating - Do not stop yourself to fall in love just because you have a fear how the role of your finances will play in the relationship. When you are dating and considering someone for a long term, do not ignore talking about how you want to manage money in your relationship.

“I have been poor, and I have been rich. And I like the rich a whole lot better.”

Pre-nuptial agreement has skyrocketed in recent years in all income levels and no more limited to wealthy individuals. Men more than women go for this option even though number of women requesting prenups has gone up. But why more men? Because women, generally speaking, go for men who are higher earners than them. It fulfills their innate emotional need of financial support.

Basically, a higher earner wants to protect their money to avoid potential alimony disputes. Regardless of the gender, it has been noted that the one who is earning less gets offended and objects to the idea of a prenup.

It is not about the trust, but about confidence in oneself. A secure and confidant woman or a man will not mind signing that document because they know their intentions are not malicious and carry no hidden agenda.

We are living in a different world now. Traditional gender roles have changed. Women have joined the workforce big time. They are highly educated and are in high earning professions now.

But still women carry a bad reputation of being gold diggers. But men are no less whether they are millennial or in their mid-life. Millennial takes an easy route and find women who are in high earning careers. Men in mid-life are doing the same. At this point of their lives they are either financially stable and very successful or going broke. So, they look for women who can save them from their financial mess. Watch out for that. If they call themselves old school, which means they are “protectors and providers” but they very conveniently take “providers” out of the equation.

It doesn’t mean you are looking for someone to depend on but see if they are in a comfortable position supporting the family and take care of the basic needs. If not, you know what to do.

One of my clients told me that she tells men that she lives paycheck to paycheck so that men don’t take advantage of her and that will filter out the male gold diggers.

Well, when you come to that phase of your relationship when its time to talk about money, you can ask your potential partner these questions –

1.What do you earn? What do you own? What do you owe? It is a difficult one but communicating is better than later on finding the lack of money. If you feel uncomfortable face to face, send an email describing how you manage your money.

2. How did the family handled money growing up?

3. What is yours, what is mine and what is ours?

4. How much do you want to spend on kids?

5. What are your financial goals?

When you are married –

There is no wrong or right way to deal with your finances.

7 WAYS TO NAVIGATE THROUGH FINANCIAL DISAGREEMENTS TO SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP:

Separate bank account - One option to deal with your disagreements on spending money is to keep one of the bank accounts just for yourself. This can give you a freedom to operate however you want. I will share my own example here. My ex-husband and I had one separate bank account which we didn’t share with each other. And it worked perfectly well for both of us. We both had full freedom to use our money the way we wanted to. It makes you more responsible and accountable for your expenses.

Communicate skillfully and listen actively – This is extremely important. Tell your partner how you feel about money and in what ways you want to spend, save, or invest. Tell your partner your needs and desires and how you can contribute. Then ask your partner the same. Listen to them non- judgmentally. Do not dismiss or disrespect their goals or dreams they have.

Make a budget – The next obvious step would be to lay out the budget. It helps in clarifying your need for financial support as well as your needs, wants and desires. It helps you to discover the kind of quality of life you are looking for.

Appreciate your partner’s contribution – Even though it can be tempting for the higher earner to take all the financial decisions, it’s important that each individual feel respected and valued – regardless of who is earning more. Both of you bring value to the relationship in some form or the other. So, appreciate each other for every little thing they do and contribute.

Brainstorm together to come out with creative solutions – So, if you are still disagreeing on any of your spending, think loud and talk and see if you can come out with some creative ideas to resolve it. Money translates into power. Do not let it become a power play.

Take turns at each other’s aspirations – If you work together as a couple to save money for something that each partner desires to do, it is a win-win. That shows you both are rowing in the same direction.

Take a time-out when you get stuck - When you feel the discussion is not going anywhere and the frustrations are running high, or angry words are creeping in the conversation, it is time to take a time-out. Say, “let’s talk tomorrow. This hostility is not taking us anywhere.”

Have a regular discussion - The conversation about money is not just for one time. You or your partner change jobs, get promotions, pay rises, and get bonuses or even take pay cuts. If both of you discuss money and your goals on a regular basis then there will not be any unpleasant surprises.

When you work together in partnership towards a common goal, it makes the bond stronger. A little temporary sacrifice here and there by both can be a powerful relationship builder

If you struggle to navigate your finances with your partner, I can help you with tools to reach a middle ground where you both get what you desire.

Your coach Sonali XO

HOW MUCH QUALITY TIME DO YOU SPEND WITH YOUR SPOUSE?

websitebuilder@1and1.de — Thu, 22 Oct 2020 19:34:53 GMT

Most of the people find it challenging to find a balance in their relationships when it comes to how much time do they devote to professional work and for each other. There is no set rule regarding time. Each person has different needs, wants, and desires.

It is not the quantity, it is the quality how you spend your time together that counts.

To avoid the conflicts, make sure to communicate to your partner that spending quality time is extremely important to you.

There are gender differences how men and women see time differently in relationships. For many men, just spending time together is “enough.” Not so for women.

You can plan and schedule a time of the day if one of you or both of you are too busy with work, children, household chores etc. Go out, just the two of you if you can.

After you have children, they take your top priority. But remember, you and your partner are extremely important as well. A very common example to explain this better would be; in a flight you are asked to put an oxygen mask on you first and then your child.

If your children are small, and if you can, arrange for a sitter whether they are your parents, nanny or a friend.

If that is a challenge, you can plan it at home in your own personal space after you put your children away to bed or first thing in the morning when kids are still asleep.

You gotto do what you gotto do. You cannot give excuses there is no time. If you want something badly, you will find time.

At the same time, communicate when you need to spend time with yourself and do the things that you love to do.

It helps you to connect with yourself and then you are able to make a deeper connection with your partner. Sometimes having time with yourself and others gives you clarity and gain a new perspective and not influenced by your partner alone. It does not create an unhealthy codependent behavior.

Alone-time ensures that you do not lose sight of your own identity as you alone are the source of your own happiness. Having boundaries in a relationship are healthy and important to keeping it strong and successful.

According to Teresa Newsome, a Domestic Violence Victim Advocate and Planned Parenthood Certified Responsible Sexuality Educator, “spending a lot of time together cause you to lose sight of yourself and to put way too much of your identity into your relationship. They lead to low self-esteem, poor decision making, giving up your goals, and even enabling.”

Ideally, do your own thing, let your partner do their thing and then do things together. It keeps the relationship balanced.

So, what are those things you can do to spend quality time with your partner?

Be an attentive listener – Active listening is one of the most loving things you can do for your partner but try to avoid offering advice. Give it only when asked. Partners who find quality time particularly important want to be heard and empathized.

Remove all distractions - Choose your partner over tv, phone and other tech gadgets.

Date your partner – Make dating and flirting with each other a part of your routine.

Try new things together – In addition to doing and pursuing your hobbies and interests solo, try some different activities with your partner.

“Journal of Happiness Studies found that marital satisfaction was twice as high for couples who viewed each other as best friends.”

Appreciate each other – Keep few minutes a day to express appreciation for each other.

Physical Affection – Make it a part and parcel of your relationship. Express your love in a physical manner. It does not have to be sexual but touching, handholding, cuddling etc. when you are causally talking or watching tv or walking in a mall.

Spending quality has so many benefits. And some of them, to say the least are:

It keeps the relationship alive
Improves emotional, mental, and physical intimacy
Lowers divorce rates
Helps to cope with occasional stressful moments
Bonds couples closer
Improves friendship
Boosts health
Prevents Codependence

Now, I have a question for you. Take out all these benefits out of your relationship. Tell me what is left behind? Nothing. You see, how spending quality time with each other is essential for you both.

You and your partner deserve more from your relationship. Do what you need to do to keep it strong and healthy.

If you need some help to achieve your goal to spend quality time with your partner, schedule a discovery call with me and we will go from there.

Your Coach Sonali XO

REBUILD YOUR TRUST AFTER A BREAKUP

websitebuilder@1and1.de — Wed, 21 Oct 2020 16:38:13 GMT

Trust is one of the key factor for a stable and successful relationship.

Whenever you are presented a change, doubt and fears are normal. When you have been upset, disappointed, and hurt, you may wonder if you chose the right person. Again, it all depends how you navigate through those fears. Or else you can sabotage it and can push the other person away.

Take for example, race car drivers get into accidents and get injured all the time. But that does not stop them from coming back on the racetrack. Why? Because they are passionate about it and they commit themselves to the sport. Let us talk about the author of Harry Potter, J.K Rowling. We all know how many times her manuscript was rejected before she got her famous break. Did she give up? NOPE.

It is a commitment to oneself first. You will not have one foot out the door then. If you commit to yourself and make your love and relationship a priority, you will not give up on every little upset. You need to pedal the cycle to ride it. It won’t ride by itself. Or else you will fall. Learning to trust yourself and your own feelings and reassuring yourself that you will be okay moving forward is the key to any healthy relationship.

I have talked to many women who blame men overall. These women unfortunately had bad experiences does not mean all men are bad. We bring our past experiences into present and ruin the chances of enjoying the current person we are with.

The good news is, trust can be rebuilt if both of you are committed to the relationship. All you need to do is give them, and yourself, a chance. It is a process. And it needs work, patience, and time. One step at a time. Trust is built over lot of conversations, little moments, small gestures, always keeping each other’s benefit in mind.

Here are some helpful tips to rebuild trust:

Make a list of your doubts. Writing brings clarity. It helps you to see where they are really stemming from, or if they are just mere assumptions bringing over from a previous relationship.

Take responsibility for your actions. Understand how your behavior affected your previous relationship. Reflect on your actions.

“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live” - Fahkry

Be kind to yourself. “Showing yourself compassion when you make a mistake enables you to show a greater understanding of others when they make mistakes.”

Communicate effectively. If you are entering into a new relationship, you wonder if the other person meet your needs, or be there for you, or try to change you or betray you or abandon you, these frightening thoughts are normal. Communicate these fears to the new person of interest. Also, make sure that the person is receiving the messages what you are actually trying to convey.

Be honest with your emotions and be vulnerable. Trust and vulnerability are interconnected. When you expose your weaknesses or acknowledge things that you are not proud of, it helps the partner to pick it up and share their own and that deepens the relationship.

Open up - If you’re asked a question about something, don’t give vague answers or one-liners. The key is to open up. The more you open up, the stronger your bond becomes.

Be willing to give as well as receive. Usually one person gives more than the other. It works if each person is comfortable and doesn’t feel neglected. It is not a business transaction that you keep a track who is giving more. And this balance of “give and take” keeps shifting from one partner to another depending on different situations. One partner takes on the role of a giver when required such as sickness. Don’t deny your partner to give you, especially if you are mostly a giver. Be willing to receive and let both the processes happen. There is nothing wrong in taking some help.

Stop pursuing perfection. But at the same time keep your non-negotiables (deal breakers) in mind.

Trust is fragile. There is an expression I read somewhere that says, “trust arrives on foot and leaves on horseback.” However, you are in control of your own actions, so make sure that you do your best because dwelling on any negative emotion for that matter won’t help you or your current/future relationship.

Please don’t hesitate to get in touch with me for one on one advice if you are not sure.

Your Coach Sonali XO

COMMUNICATION TO A RELATIONSHIP IS LIKE OXYGEN TO LIFE

websitebuilder@1and1.de — Wed, 21 Oct 2020 16:38:12 GMT

2 -way Communication is a key element to have a successful and fulfilling relationship. I learnt it a hard way after many years. Oh well! It is never too late to learn anything in life for that matter . . . as long as we are willing. I wish it was part of a curriculum in our schools.

It is a skill (talking + attentive listening) that requires learning and practice. None of us are perfect at it so we need to keep working at it constantly. It doesn't come to us naturally. By actively listening without judgement, you help satisfy the deeply rooted need of the human heart.

When you have been with someone for longer period of time, you think you know your partner inside out and know how they are going to react in certain situations. But people keep evolving so keep your curiosity on and do not miss the chance of keep discovering them. Do not assume. Ask, ask, ask! And to make sure you understand correctly what your partner is saying, rephrase it. It is very common that people tend to misinterpret or listen just to respond according to their own perceptions.

Communication helps in resolving disagreements and conflicts. You got to believe that things can change instead of keeping the negative attitude that your relationship is doomed.

Communication skills also helps when you are in a long-distance relationship. People struggle when they are next to each other, let alone when they are in a different city/state/country. It needs extra effort and skills to communicate including optimistic mindset because you cannot see the body language or feel the tone of the conversation.

Communication doesn’t have to be serious and resolving conflicts all the time. Communicating openly about your sexual desires and fantasies, your goals, also leads to a fulfilling relationship.

CAN A LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP SURVIVE LONG DISTANCE?

Wed, 21 Oct 2020 16:38:12 GMT

I always have lot of subjects on my mind to write about, so I was contemplating which one do I do next. This morning while I was driving, I was asking myself the same question. I turned on the radio, this song called “Long Distance Lover” by Luthi was playing. There you go, I got my answer right there.

Long distance of course needs some extra planning, time and attention for its maintenance. If both the partners are fully committed to make it work, then there is no stopping no matter what others say. Ignore the naysayers.

Let me share my experience. I have lived long distance a few times and I say it very proudly that I did very well, including with my ex-husband. And that is the reason I say very confidently that they can be successful if both of you are committed to make it work.

A 2018 survey found that 60% of long-distance relationships last. The same survey also found that 27% had never lived near each other. About 50% of couples in the survey had met each other online. About 3.75 million married couples are in a long-distance relationship in the US alone, be it the soldiers in a different city, education or just better job opportunities. The studies show that the success of LDRs (Long Distance Relationships) shows success in the future when a couple gets together. Because they are putting in more effort than the regular, they have a stronger, healthier relationship as a result.

I am all about finding positivity in every situation. So I am bringing out and focusing on the positives and benefits of LDR either they have just started or already an exclusive.

SOME TIPS:

Communicate as much as you need to feel connected. Devote some time of the day to talk to your partner / love interest.
Learn to ask good questions and listen well.
Discuss how you deal with stress.
Learn from each other their conflict resolution strategies.
Learn to control any insecurity / jealousy in your long-distance relationship.
Don’t stonewall (don’t avoid conversations or solving problems by being uncooperative or by shutting down).
Have other interests. Invest time in yourself. And support each other’s interests.
Give each other space.
Visit each other often (if possible) but keep it balanced.
Let them know you are there for them even though it’s not physically possible.
Appreciate your partner on every little thing and constantly tell them what you love about them and the relationship.
Learn how to address important issues both remotely and in person.
Focus on the positive aspects of long distance.
Talk dirty to each other just like you would do if you both were around.
Practice honesty.
Resist temptations. Give all your attention to this person.

Use this long-distance time wisely. Share your fears and desires. You will grow stronger together. It creates a deeper bond and intimacy.

There is no doubt that you will have frustrating moments. Be prepared for that. But, don’t let the time you spent with each other go waste out of impatience to finally be together. Your relationship will be stronger in the long run if you finish what you’ve started and finish it well.

You might even be tempted to do something impulsive like for example, quit your job so you can be together with the person you love. It may sound romantic, but remember and respect the reason why you are living far away from the person you are interested or love right now.

Long distance relationsip is not for everyone. Ask yourself if you can do it, only then move forward, or else you will be wasting your and other person's time. If you have never experienced it before and it is a first time for you, if you really like the person and you want to give it a try, communicate that with the person honestly and openly.

If you need any assistance, I am here for you. Talk to me.

Your Coach Sonali XO